just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
