All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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