My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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