My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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