Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
