You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
