This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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