he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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