You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
