I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
