You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
