I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
