wat bout pragnant strippers??
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
