WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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