But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
