The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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