It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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