bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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