Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
