just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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