this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
