I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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