worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm having to shit out rocks
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