I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
