You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
