He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
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No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
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I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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