i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Sober January is a disaster.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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