I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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