We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize