He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
