Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
