I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
