My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
