My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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