I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
