At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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