he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
