While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
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every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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