If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
