Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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