it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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