I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
