I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
