i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
