I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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