Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
