We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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