i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
