when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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