I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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