two words...techno handjob
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
