Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
