I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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